Simply unsolicited: the unacceptable side of swiping right

Content warning: this article discusses sexual assault and violence and may be distressing to some readers. Support services are listed at the end of the article.

Preparing for a date hasn't changed all that much over the decades: choose an outfit, style your hair, put on makeup or trim your beard, block someone after being sent an unsolicited explicit message or image...

Wait. What?

If you’re currently single, it’s not news to you that online dating apps are hugely popular and the preferred way to meet people these days. In fact, up to 3.2 million people were using dating apps in Australia in 2021.

What might come as a shock is that a recent study by the Australian Institute of Criminology has found that of a survey of 9,987 dating app users, almost three-quarters (72.3 per cent) have been subjected to online sexual violence in the past 5 years.

A national discussion on the safety of online dating is being held in Sydney today (January 25) between operators of online-dating platforms and state and federal government officials.

Examples of online sexual violence include being sent unwanted sexually explicit pictures, and being threatened or stalked, with women and members of the LGBTQIA+ community most likely to be victims.

These types of behaviours can be deemed as sexual harassment and are prohibited under the Anti-Discrimination Act 1991.

It's unacceptable that people are subjected to these behaviours without their consent, but why has receiving unwanted images or hurtful comments direct to your phone become a part of navigating the modern dating world?

Contact spoke to UQ experts to better understand how certain people behave online and why it's important to address the outdated stereotypes of what constitutes consent – both online and in person.

According to Professor Blake McKimmie, an expert in psychology and jury decision-making from UQ’s School of Psychology, the reasons people prefer to initiate relationships via dating apps are similar to why others might feel it’s acceptable to post hurtful comments or send explicit messages.

“With online interactions, people may feel more anonymous and so less inhibited about approaching other people. However, this can also mean that people feel less constrained by social norms because they don't feel as accountable, and that's why we see behaviour like trolling,” he said.

“Say you walk into a party; what's stopping you from walking up to someone and making derogatory or sexualised remarks to their face? The reason most people don't do that is because we understand that it would hurt their feelings and we’re aware of a social norm that it’s not appropriate to behave this way.”

Professor McKimmie said when people interact online, they aren’t necessarily receiving the same social cues and signals as they would when interacting face-to-face.

“People make death threats and all kinds of stuff online. People rarely ever do that face-to-face,” he said.

“Not everyone says mean things online – there are lots of nice people online – but for people who are primarily motivated to act in appropriate ways so that they don’t look bad in the eyes of others, it's going to remove some of that social pressure.”

UQ School of Social Sciences PhD candidate Elain Kraemer is researching rural and urban experiences of online dating. According to her studies, those who have experienced forms of online harassment say it is often unanticipated.

“The expectations and sanctions around showing intimate body parts are vastly different across the two settings: in person and online,” Ms Kraemer said.

Ms Kraemer said her research also suggests that the culture of online dating is as much about sex as it is about romance.

“Many of my participants described wanting to find a ‘romantic, couple-type’ of relationship. Some were also open to hook-ups as part of their journey towards a relationship,” she said.

“Those who are seeking sex will also often approach those who are explicitly seeking a relationship, leading to confusion and ambiguity.

“For example, sex-seeking etiquette often involves inviting someone to your house without meeting in-person beforehand. One female participant in her 30s whom I talked to interpreted this implicit invitation for sex as a ‘dinner’ invitation, and thus a romantic overture.

“She was shocked and angry when asked if she’d like to stay over.”

Another disturbing finding from the Australian Institute of Criminology study was that one in 3 users had been subjected to in-person sexual violence, perpetrated by someone they had met on a dating app or website. This included having their drink spiked, being physically or verbally pressured into performing unwanted sexual acts, and 'stealthing' – when a condom is removed without consent.

Professor McKimmie said that while physical abuse or sexual violence is something that happens in dating more generally, online dating apps can create a means for predators to lure people into vulnerable situations.

“When people think about sexual violence, they often imagine a stranger jumping out of a bush at night and attacking someone – probably with a weapon and using a lot of violence,” he said.

“But the most common sexual assault actually happens with a perpetrator who knows the victim-survivor.

“One of the challenges is that the victim-survivor can often feel responsible, or is blamed, because they met somebody online and went on a date.

Professor McKimmie believes a lot of the challenges to holding perpetrators of sexual abuse to account could be met by addressing the outdated stereotypes of what constitutes consent.

“With dating apps, people may well interpret acts in different ways. Agreeing to meet up, or simply swiping right could be interpreted by someone as the other person being interested in sex,” he said.

“Mutual kissing, taking clothes off – all of these behaviours could be misinterpreted that someone is interested in taking the next step. When people give their accounts about what happens on a date, it often reflects these stereotypical sequences of behaviours.

It's important to note that sexual harassment has nothing to do with mutual attraction or consensual behaviour. Acts like uninvited physical intimacy – such as touching in a sexual way – uninvited sexual propositions, and remarks with sexual connotations can all be determined as sexual harassment.

Professor McKimmie said a path towards creating change in society starts by thinking about consent as an active process, rather than an implied process.

“Educating high school students about what consent looks like, and how to communicate with their partners about consent to make sure both people are comfortable with what they are doing, is a great place to start” he said.

“Only about 10 per cent of sexual assaults reported to police actually go to court, although most sexual assaults are not reported to police, and the estimated number of assaults that result in a conviction is less than 1 per cent.

“So, if people who want to initiate a sexual relationship with someone would take active steps to make sure that the other person is a willing and consenting partner, that would be a big step.”

If you have been affected by the topics covered in this article, find help and resources via:

• UQ Sexual Misconduct Support Unit (SMSU) on 0734431000
• 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732
• eSafetyLGBTIQ+
• Queensland Government support services
• Black Dog Institute
• Lifeline on 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636
• Headspace on 1800 650 890
• For immediate assistance call Triple Zero on 000